JOKES

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Doctor, My Wife Can’t Hear

An old man goes to his doctor and says” Doctor I think my wife is losing her hearing, what should I do to make sure” The doctor told him well when she is washing dishes I want you to stand five feet behind and ask her a question and tell me how close you have to get for her to respond.” The old man agreed.

So when his wife was doing the dishes, the old man stood five feet away and asked “ Honey what’s for dinner?”, and there was no response. So the old man takes another step forward and asks the question again’ Honey what’s for
dinner?” and still no response. He then takes another step forward and asked “ Honey what’s for dinner?” and again no response.

As frustrated the old man is getting he takes another step forward and says”
Honey, What’s for Dinner?” The wife then turns around and says “ For the fourth time CHICKEN!

My WIFE is having a BABY!

A man comes into the ER and yells,“ my wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” The doctor grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly he noticed that there were several cabs. And was in the wrong cab!

Newest son-in-law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

How old are you?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

Little Tommy

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

Women Talk More

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words pre-day, but women use 30,000."

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of taking too much, he showed her the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said "What?"

A Young Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"

Three Sisters

Once upon a time, there were three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96-year-old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94-year-old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see.* She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92-year-old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, * and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, *I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

The Perfect Woman

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

"I Invited A Friend For Supper"

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Connection With God

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Grave Situation

A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?" The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?" "No", replied the weeping man. "Her first husband!"

Construction Workers

There were three construction workers that always got the same thing for lunch. All of them were tired of eating the same thing over and over again.

1st worker: I hate sandwiches, if I get sandwiches for lunch again tomorrow I'm jumping off that bridge.

2nd worker: Oh my Gosh! If I see another taco I'm going to jump off that bridge tomorrow.

3rd worker: Beans Again?!! I will jump off that bridge tomorrow if I get beans for lunch again.

The next day they all got the same thing for lunch so each jumped off the bridge and died.

Their wives were inconsolable.

1st wife: If I knew he would do that I would have never packed him sandwiches!

2nd wife: If I knew he would do that, I would have never packed him tacos!

3rd wife: If I knew he would do that, I never would have let him pack his own lunch!

Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the farebox and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Animal Track

There was a blond, brunette, and a redhead, and they all decided to go camping.

They needed food so the redhead walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back with a rabbit over her shoulder.

The other two girls asked her, "How did you catch that?"

She replied, "See tracks, follow tracks, sees a rabbit, kills the rabbit."

So they ate that for dinner.

The next day they needed food so the brunette walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back with a lion over her shoulder.

The other two girls asked her, "How did you catch that?"

She replied, "see tracks, follow tracks, see lion, kill the lion."

So they ate that for dinner.

The next day they needed food again so the blonde walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back limping all bruised, black & blue with torn clothes.

The other two girls asked her, "What happened to you?"

She replied, "see tracks, follow tracks, see the train, gets hit by a train."

OUCH!!!